Setting Boundaries

When we implement boundaries we create healthier relationships.

I never thought I had an issue implementing boundaries until I had to enforce them with Luke. I mean I knew they were important and I would always try and help my clients implement them, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed them until Luke was born. (FYI I am a licensed therapist and work with clients on a daily basis.)

Boundaries are important because they protect your emotions, person, and they demand respect. The truth is no one likes them and everyone tries to push the limits which is why they’re so hard to implement. At least for me, I’m naturally a pacifist so I tend to want to keep the peace at any cost. I know this causes people to take advantage of me.

Adrian's ability to see beyond hurt feelings has taught me a lot about valuing what’s important to me.

After having children and having Luke it has become clear that not sticking to my boundaries has caused people to take advantage of my family and most importantly Luke. Knowing this truth stings because I’m supposed to be his advocate. I’m supposed to be his voice and stand up for him any time there’s unfairness or mistreatment against Luke. I struggle with this and I feel terrible and guilty about this. Thankfully I’m not alone. As bad as I am with communicating boundaries, Adrian, my husband, will enforce them like no one's business. His ability to see beyond hurt feelings and into what’s best for our children has taught me a lot about valuing what’s important to me.

We all have limits and boundaries communicate those limits. For me, it’s so difficult to just say no. I always feel like there’s a need to justify my boundary and explain to people why I’m not okay with something. I worry about hurting their feelings and sometimes it’s to the point of anxiety. This is definitely not okay, especially if I’m an advocate for my children who can’t make decisions for themselves. It’s something I recognize and I am working on it daily.

Do you scramble for justifications when you set a limit?

A way to gage ourselves and see if we can implement our own boundaries is evaluating what happens when we say no. Do we begin to scramble for justifications as to why there’s a reason we’re saying no? If we do let’s think and process this. Why does this person have this psychological power over me and my limits? If this person has an honest relationship with me there shouldn’t be any justification to the boundary. What I’ve come to realize is that these reactions are due to a lack of freedom in that relationship. If this is the case there needs to be a conversation with this person and figure out what is it that you fear would happen as a result of this boundary.

When we implement boundaries we create a healthier relationship. There are many benefits to boundaries such as, better self-esteem, it conserves emotional energy, creates more independence and it creates connecting points within our relationships. One of the main reasons we sometimes say no is to avoid any difficulties we may have with Luke. Since he is special needs there are things that people may not understand such as tube feeding, seizures, and his cerebral palsy. To protect our emotional energy we are very specific on places we go to. We plan accordingly and if we feel that we may be in a predicament that could cause discomfort to us or the kids we say no. Our boundaries have helped us care for our children according to our beliefs. For example, we don't give the kids Easter baskets. This has been a boundary that has been very difficult for my family to respect. It comes out of goodness in their hearts because they want to give our children gifts, but our boundary comes first. At times it’s hard to implement this boundary but ultimately it comes down to the way we raise our children. As hurt as they may feel this boundary is there for a reason and it is up to Adrian and I to implement it. Has there been pushback? Yes plenty of times, but it creates connecting points to help our family respect us as parents. These connecting points protect our relationships from becoming unsafe or toxic. Overall boundaries are a work in progress for me. But if it’s to protect my family I will continue to have the uncomfortable discussion, disagreements, and put my family first.