This Is 32

I am currently thirty-eight-and-a-half weeks pregnant, I have a special needs son in the hospital and a 4-year-old at home. I haven’t slept in the same bed with my husband in over two weeks.

Are my thirties my new twenties?

My birthday this year was not like I would have ever imagined. Baby Luke has been in the hospital and working so hard to get better the past three weeks in order to be home to welcome his new baby brother. Adrian has been in the hospital caring for him and carrying the mental load of a special needs parent. Needless to say, I was heartbroken on my 32nd birthday. I miss my boys and stress has been keeping me up at night.

I’ve heard that thirties is your new twenties because you’re no longer tied down by trying to impress everyone. So let’s see how this decade will treat me.

At thirty, Baby Luke was born and spent thirty-four days in the NICU. I held him as he was slipping from this earth. I learned that he had brain damage and would be severely delayed for the rest of his life. Learning the ins and outs of being a special needs parent has taught me a great deal about life and perspective. This year I learned how to trust in God completely with everything in me. It also taught me to give up control. As much as we tried to plan our lives according to what we wanted, God is ultimately in control. The truth and beautiful part of this is that it’s not as bad as we think. Yes, there are trials but the blessings that came from Baby Luke’s NICU stay were endless. So, trusting in God does not mean it comes without trials or difficulties, but it means that his ways are higher than ours and they have a bigger purpose than our tiny understanding of this world.

At thirty-one we entered a pandemic where we isolated ourselves from our support system out of fear of getting sick and putting baby Luke in danger. We would spend every day worrying about getting COVID-19. We shut our doors to our family and loved ones trying to protect our children, but in doing so we started to fall into a depression. Both Adrian and I struggled to find the joy we felt the year before. We struggled with simple daily tasks, sleep, tearfulness, and irritability. As a mental health therapist, I started to notice the signs of depression creeping into our hearts. A depression we fought to avoid when we almost lost Baby Luke. We noticed that Mia missed her family and needed her support back. Yet the risk of getting COVID-19 was still there. Our dilemma was trying to figure out how to reduce the risk of infection while allowing our support system back in our lives.

Integrating your support system while protecting your family from COVID-19

Finding the right way to integrate your support system, while in a pandemic, and having a special needs son is tricky. We knew we were living in fear and needed to allow God to be back in the driver’s seat. Fighting for control in a life you’ve given to God is hard and draining. Adrian and I had a long conversation about who was in our support system and how we would allow them into our lives. Taking precautions such as wearing masks and having an open communication of any exposure has been the best way to keep our family safe, while still living a life that allows our support system to be involved. Managing the risk has been difficult but our family understands that being part of our lives takes some sacrifice. Sacrifice is not easy and we don’t blame people if they choose to distance themselves in order to avoid it. Caring for a special needs son is a life that was chosen for Adrian and me and our little family, and anyone that chooses to walk beside us does so understanding this sacrifice.

This same year God gave us another surprise that we were definitely not expecting. At thirty-one I learned I was pregnant with our third child in the middle of a pandemic while caring for a one-year-old special needs child. (do you see the layers! Haha!! Life is beautiful) This unexpected blessing gave us even more understanding that God is always in control even when on birth control. This pregnancy scared us and until now I wonder how I will care for and manage my emotions in having a third child. But like always, God's ways are higher than ours and overall the blessings this child will bring to our family are much bigger than any of the emotional struggles I carry.

My thirties are definatley better than my twenties

So here we are at thirty-two with a four-year-old, a son in the hospital for the past three weeks, my husband going back and forth from the hospital, and three days from my scheduled c-section. We have no idea what the birth of our third child will look like but we know that God’s ways are higher than ours. Through this trial, we will find the unexpected blessing and choose joy.

After reflecting back to my last three birthdays, are my thirties better than my twenties? I would say yes 100%. You may ask, why? when there has been so much struggle. All I can say to you is that I love my life and I would not change it for anything. First, the joy of having children does not compare to anything “fun” I did in my twenties. Truly appreciating God's blessing and seeing how his hand, love, and mercy are upon you helps you have perspective of this world. Lastly, I really no longer care about what people think of me because I’m living a life with so much purpose that I am secure in who I am, my identity in Christ, and who is there for me. This kind of safety can only come from God and giving into what he laid out in front. So, happy birthday to me and my messy life.